The Baha Men show up in Winterfell asking who let the dogs out? Theon joyfully answers that he did! He’s on the hunt for Bran and Rickon because while Theon always stayed like a good boy when he was taken captive by the Starks to live at Winterfell, he is beyond pissed that the two ran off (figuratively speaking considering Bran’s condition) on him.

Ygritte makes Jon Snow blush by going on at length about his kibbles and bits. She gleefully teases virgin Jon about his bone she felt poking her from behind during the night.

Tywin sniffs out the wolfsbane on the dart that took out one of his lords while I rewound the scene a few times to enjoy the way he rumbles the word “wolfsbane”. He throws his dinner scraps to his adorable pup, Arya, and they have another oddly endearing conversation.

Sansa tries to thank The Hound for saving her but he reminds her that he actually is a dog and enjoyed chasing the rats away.

Dany is howling for her dragons back in Qarth while Ygritte gets off her leash and turns the tables on Jon Snow.

Much to the horror of men watching everywhere, Sansa gets her first period! It’s a special day so Cersei regales Sansa with tales about what it was like to give birth to a litter of inbred pups while King Robert took off to hunt with his hounds.

Collared in his pen, Jamie strikes up a conversation with his distant relative who is a total fanboy of his. Then Jamie strikes him, repeatedly, in a grotesque and ultimately failed escape attempt.

Xaro dogs eleven of the Thirteen with the help of the creepy warlock Pyat Pree and declares himself the King of Qarth in a crazy beheading bloodbath.

Robb Stark’s men voice their displeasure about Robb taking his “foreign bitch” with him. And as we all learned in elementary school, a bitch is a female dog.

Tyrion looks like a forlorn puppy when he shares the rare bonding moment with his sister as she realizes banging her brother might not have been a good idea after all if a bat-shit crazy kid like Joffrey was the result.

Everyone wants to kill Jamie yet he finds the time to smugly call Brienne ugly like a dog.

“Smells like barbecued dog hair” was the Ghostbusters quote that came to mind when Theon returned to Winterfell with roasted children he claimed were Bran and Rickon.

But while this week may have been all about the dogs, I do have to point out three of the best quotes of the night all about how lovely it is to be a woman:

“Most girls are idiots” – Arya believes her gender is the lamer sex.

“It don’t have teeth” – Ygritte about the seductive qualities of her vajayjay.

“I thought it would be less messy” – Sansa about the glories of becoming a woman.

It’s come to our attention that CW’s hit drama “The Vampire Diaries” is predominately watched by female audiences. Dudes you’re missing out! This show has it all! Vampires, Werewolves, sex, hotness and not to mention some bitingly good writing and character development. Yes we know Ian Somerhalder with fangs is god’s gift to television, but what good is his character Damon Salvatore if he’s not written well?

This year’s TVD finale, not to mention the show’s entire season, was packed with pure and total shock value. First we figure out the coffin this season’s “big bad” Klause Mikaelson was hoarding turns out to be his witch and bitch of mother. Then we learn mama Mikaelson is back to rid the world of all vampires to take back the mistake she made in creating the original demons aka her five blood thirsty children.

To top all of this off, the mysterious killings in Mystic Falls turn out to be the handy work of none other than Alaric Saltzman (Jeremy and Elana’s guardian.) Jeremy and Elana have been through so many deaths, loses and tragedies that Alaric just adds to the list. The ring he wears to cheat supernatural deaths, turns him evil… or at least the ring helps shine light on his psychopathic alter ego, a vampire hating hunter out to destroy not only vamps but all those who sympathize with them, aka every single character on this show!

Klause’s mother, Esther uses Alaric’s alter ego and transforms him into the ultimate vampire hunter… it takes a vampire to kill a vampire. That’s right, she creates an original vamp one last time to unleash him on her children and once he kills them, all vampire lines the originals created will perish. Like with every spell, there’s a catch. Esther links Alaric’s life to Elana’s that way it is ensured he won’t live forever, so once she goes, he goes. Since Elana is under constant protection by the Salvatore brothers and everyone else in Mystic Falls a fast approaching demise would seem unlikely. However, this show went there.

Where you might ask? Well, the original children were sick and tired of running from vampire hunters out with a vengeance so they decided to end Elana’s life to get rid of Alaric. We see a season one flashback of Elana Gilbert swerving in a car off of a bridge and plunging into the water. Unlike season one, Stefan Salvatore is too late to save her. The ep ends at the hospital where it is revealed that one of the doctor’s (Meredith Sulez) known for using vampire blood to cure patients has used the same remedy on Elana to save her life. Yes, the season three finale leaves the audience with the notion that Elana Gilbert is a vampire.

Will this show ever stop being amazing? We hope, scratch that, we know this show, like a good wine, gets better and better with age! I mean, after all, we knew things would pick up when the vampire’s actually stopped writing in their diaries.

By Brittany Berkowitz

5. Wonder Woman

The warrior Princess of the Amazons combines super strength, flight and a kick ass body. Any male specimen would want a ride in the invisible jet and wouldn’t mind being protected by the lasso of truth. The brunette bombshell also has a love for animals. Dog lovers, say goodbye to Cesar Milan because Wonder Woman is able to communicate with the animal kingdom. Don’t forget about her stylish all American sexy outfit packed with an indestructible pair of golden bling bracelets. Yum Yum give me some!!! Too bad her TV pilot was not picked up by the networks.

4. Harley Quinn

She’s our prescribed dose of crazy. There’s no one more maniacal than Joker’s main squeeze Harley Quinn. Underneath the jester’s clothing is a body to die for. Literally! Baby blue eyes, flowing blonde pig tails , and fantastic physical abilities… one can only baffle her behavior in bed. Let’s also not forget– she’s great with toys… um, we mean weapons. Guns, tasers, lasers, etc. Her killer laugh is a small price to pay. Her fashion choices and tremendous T and A more than make up for it.

3. Rogue and Poison Ivy

There is a lot of truth from the saying “You want what you can’t have.” And these ladies take the cake. It’s a tie at number 3 with Xmen’s own Rogue and Batman’s villain Poison Ivy. These lovely ladies possess powers that make them sexually untouchable. Sure Rogue has an accent that will turn you on faster than a mag light. But let’s not forget her stunning build, long flowing hair equipped with sexy streaks, superman-like skills and her ability to absorb other people’s power. Her only issue is, the moment you caress your finger on her soft skin, you will slowly drop dead. Hey, at least you’ll die happy. Same goes for the green goddess Poison Ivy. Her one piece suit and salacious red hair seduces, but her mind controlling ability from pheromones and toxins will make you drop dead once you slip your tongue in her mouth. Gentlemen beware, these ladies are the epitome of mental and physical pain.

2. Catwoman

How can you possibly turn down a female that licks herself and has nine lives? You can’t!!!! Selina Kyle takes the number two spot with her catlike reflexes and claws that will rip your heart out. The stunning female from Gotham city will charm you with her feline personality and then give you a roundhouse kick to the back of the head. What a way to go!

1. Mystique

The blue mutant assassin blows our minds thus taking the blue ribbon as #1 on our list. Superhuman agility, superior combat skills and a master strategist sums up a perfect ally and perhaps better half. But damn, we wish she was our lover– for all of the superficial reasons. Physically, she’s ageless (no bucks on botox) and has a healing ability. So, for the rest of your life, you’d be dating a woman in her twenties. But that’s not all! Her shapeshifting abilities can make all of your fantasies come true. Mystique can be Jessica Alba one day and Oprah the next (hey, more to love). You pick what — and who– you are in the mood for. You can even make out with yourself.

By ALvin Rueda

Theon pulls a revenge of the nerds and takes over Winterfell. Bran thinks this totally blows. Sir Rodrik says, “U suck, Theon.” Theon succumbs to peer pressure when his new Pyke BFF says Theon has to exact the iron price from Sir Rodrik for dissing him. Theon butchers the job and bends it like Beckham, kicking Rodrik’s head away.

Tywin Lannister plays schoolmaster and Arya is the teacher’s pet. Like Terry Griffith in 80s classic “Just One of the Guys” and Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man” before her, Arya gets a little more juice out of her cross-dressing hi-jinx as she tries to keep Littlefinger from recognizing her. He comes this close to connecting the dots but luckily she spills wine all over the place and is saved by the bell.

Joffrey tells Sansa she’s a dumb girl and all but sticks his tongue out at her right before the King’s Landing equivalent of a food fight breaks out. Except instead of food the people are flinging dung and ripped apart limbs. Tyrion makes like the Fonz with the best line of the night when he asks “did my hand fall from my wrist?” after bitch slapping Joffrey. Meanwhile poor Sansa stars in her own after school special as she’s almost ravaged by angry peasants in a manner that would be even worse than Fred Savage’s treatment of Candace “D.J. Tanner” Cameron in “No One Would Tell”.

Speaking of “Full House” and D.J. Tanner, Xaro sounds a lot like D.J.’s boyfriend, Nelson, as he keeps reminding Dany about how wealthy he is as a way to woo her. The Spice King shows up to give Dany a grammar and economics lesson while Dany does her best drama queen auditioning for the starring role in the school play because she’s got a dream and some dragons.

Tywin talks to Arya about Jamie’s dyslexia and they have a conversation that weirdly reminds me of the repoire between Dumbledore and Harry Potter. But that might be because Tywin’s meeting room at Harrenhal looks like a classroom in Hogwarts to me. Arya gets caught passing notes by the class dunce but before he can tattle on her Arya gets Jaquen to handle it by using another genie death wish.

Robb Stark is the most popular boy in school and struts his stuff in the campgrounds of his army. Then he takes an interest in Lady Talisa the way Freddie Prinze Jr. took an interest in Rachel Leigh Cook as the plot line of “She’s All That.” Too bad his mom catches him in the act and before he can make Talisa over into the prom queen / Queen of the North, Catelyn reminds Robb about that whole “you’re betrothed to another to make this war possible” snafu. Bummer!

Wildling Ygritte smirks with glee as she wriggles around and tries to give Jon Snow his first woody while they spoon on a freezing cold mountaintop. Jon’s not cool with it, probably because they skipped over that sex education video in the Night’s Watch training.

Wildling Osha shows up in Theon’s chamber to tempt him like Ali Larter did with her whipped cream bikini in “Varsity Blues”. Unfortunately the show chooses this time to take the rare PG-13 road when we all want to see exactly what kind of weird, savage moves Osha knows. Afterwards she slips out and goes to seduce one of Theon’s guards by telling him “I have something for you” which I took to mean she had a sexually transmitted disease to give him. I thought we were about to be treated to the “Game of Thrones” version of that “Degrassi” episode where everyone got gonorrhea from hooking up down by the ravine but turns out what she had was a knife for his throat. Bran and Rickon are able to escape from Winterfell.

Dany returns to her quarters only to feel the kind of rage the thugs from Valley must have felt when they realized Zach Morris and A.C. Slater stole their bulldog mascot before the big game. Someone stole her dragons! And left a mess worse than any teenage house party we’ve seen.

By Kara Rozansky

"What is that DJ playing?"

Many pieces were positioned in this week’s ‘ghost of harrenhal’ episode of “Game of Thrones.” In honor of the power plays being made here’s a sampling from the power hour mix tape I’ve made inspired by our favorites from Westeros and beyond:

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows by Lesley Gore because that’s pretty much how great Renly felt about his future alliance with Robb Stark and winning the war up until that newborn shadow-demon-baby-man speared him through the chest.



I’m Every Woman by Chaka Khan because from Brienne the Beauty kicking ass in Renly’s tent, to Margaery’s ambitious desires to be Queen Bee, all the way to Arya staring Tywin Lannister down, girl power was all the rage tonight!

My Prerogative by Bobby Brown because Cersei said it’s Joffrey’s prerogative to withhold sensitive information from his council and because everybody’s talking all this stuff about him and his demon monkey uncle in the streets.

Mr. Cellophane from the musical Chicago because Lancel Lannister has to feel inconsequential when Tyrion tells him “even torturing you is boring.”

Losing My Religion by R.E.M. because Davos warns Stannis about people’s perception that Melisandre, she of the smoking vagina, holds too much sway over him with her weird religious beliefs.

The Work Song from Cinderella because I like to imagine Dany’s dragons helping her get ready for Xaro’s fancy schmancy party the way the mice and birds did in the Disney classic.

Money cover by The Flying Lizards because Jorah might not like it but Dany does for a moment entertain Xaro’s smooth “let’s get married and run this shit” proposal since she needs money to buy ships to sail back to King’s Landing.

Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler because Catelyn and Brienne have a total female bonding Beaches moment when they pledge their allegiance to each other.

Dreamweaver by Gary Wright for Bran having another ominous dream starring a three-eyed raven.

It’s Raining Men by Weather Girls because Gendry shows up shirtless! This was surprisingly the most skin we got to see this week from the normally sex-crazed series so it was really only raining MAN but I’ll take it.

Pink Panther Theme Song from the old cartoon because Jaquen is super slick and stealth with the way he sneaks in and takes out the Batman villain reject, The Tickler.

And last but not least since we heard so much this week about fire being power (whether it comes from an apothecary or dragon) I’d end my mix with Disco Inferno by The Trammps – burn, baby, burn!

By Kara Rozansky

We at Web TV love the expression that bigger is better- a saying that is especially true of rock culture. It definitely explores the dark side of jewelry. From shark teeth, chunky skulls, spikes, fangs, the whole deal. For those customers out there who need more delicate yet “dark” or
intricate but gothic pieces, we have the solution to your bedazzling dilemma! I, Haskell Jules created or found jewelry that fuses chic simplicity with killer-rock themes. Here, some must-buys:

1. 9mm Bullet Casing Jewelry with big oval black bead, $16.99, Brooklyn Alien Art Jewelry Etsy Brooklyn Alien takes objects that can be rough and tumble and make them into delicate very wearable
piece of jewelry. Mixing objects like bullets and sparkly jewels or bottle caps with precious metals. She makes stylish and fun pieces that will be conversation starters.

2. Unisex Skull Swarovski Blue Crystal Stretch Ring, $25, treatsandthreads.com This day of dead theme skull ring it beautiful. A chunky ring featuring real Swarovski crystals that really shines. Sure to make the fashionistas blush over this little fellow.

3. Verameat Vampire Crown Ring in silver, $68, verameat.com This ring is killer- pun intended. It has cool construction in mini size that lightly detracts from the simple fact that is vampire teeth. Which is so awesome all by it’s self. Too fun!

By Haskell Jules
Pictures Courtesy of Treats and Threads and Brooklyn Alien

–Two Lannister soldiers get us started with what at first seems like the opening scene in “Hamlet” with the appearance of a ghost but quickly turns into a Terrence and Philip sketch from “South Park” – instead of final words one man gets a final fart joke before he’s disemboweled by Robb’s dire wolf.

–Bronn reminds us of George Carlin’s seven filthy words you can’t say on television when he says “There’s no cure for being a cunt.” He can say this because it’s not TV. It’s HBO.

–Joffrey turns out to be even more twisted than we thought when he makes one whore sent to him by his awesome Uncle Tyrion beat the other whore in the room. When Joffrey pulled out that last blunt object with the pointy end I feared he was going to make like Kevin Spacey in the film “Se7en” handling the sin of lust. But instead of forcing the woman shred her promiscuous victim from the inside out Joffrey only goes one notch lower and has her smash the poor whore with it.

–A bonus Se7en reference comes when Littlefinger presents Catelyn with a chest of Ned’s remains prompting her to ask “What’s in the box?” like the unlucky Brad Pitt to Morgan Freeman.

–Renly tells Littlefinger: “I don’t like your face, I don’t like the wordsthat come oozing out your mouth.” This is almost verbatim what DMX recently said in a rant about how much he hates Drake.

–Arya takes a page out of Haley Joel Osment’s book but changes “I see dead people” to “I smell dead people” at Harrenhal.

–Brothers Renly and Stannis start bickering like the Taylor brothers from Home Improvement. Renly wins with his “Born amidst salt and smoke? Is he a ham?” quip making him the J.T.T of the group.

–Tywin Lannister arrives on the torture scene like Agent Smecker in “Boondock Saints” showing up to dispel Detective Greenly’s “huge guy” murder theory when Tywin bluntly points out “this one’s a girl” upon seeing Arya.

–Melisandre’s baby looks just like Hexxus from “FernGully: The Last Rainforest” oozing along the pipes and gears of the Leveler gaining power by sucking down sludge and pollution from every valve. Except Hexxus came from a tree and Mel’s baby came from between her legs so she takes the cake for ‘ick’ factor this week.

By Kara Rozansky

Today is April 20th 2012 aka 4/20. We can commiserate on this day and acknowledge it as Adolf Hitler’s one hundred and twenty third birthday and curse the heavens for sicking this sadistic monster on the Jews. OR we can do like Matisyahu and find other ways to celebrate… er… observe this lovely Friday in April.

It’s one of those days where the grass is much greener, if you catch our drift and we have spent hours compiling an intricate and detailed list of activities to partake in this year on the 20th of April. We’re using a more dignified vocabulary now because in a few hours we will barely be able to form cohesive sentences, and when you’re through with this list we hope you won’t either! So here it is, our WebTVDeluxe 40/20 to do list, enjoy!

– *Eat. *Yeah we know that one’s obvious but you need to remember to pace yourself. Today might as well be the equivalent of Thanksgiving for some of you kush kids. We recommend Diner food like pancakes, greasy omelets and bagels for breakfast and then something lighter but still delicious like pizza for lunch and of course Chinese food for those late night munchies. Depends on how hard you’re planning on going today but do not skimp on that egg foo young and sesame chicken!

– *Trilogy Time*. We’re taking some advice from “How I Met Your Mother” this time around and recommending you and your friends plan some epic trilogy movie watching! Maybe some classic Star Wars or Lord of The Rings, hey maybe even Shrek is up your ally. Whatever it is make it a point to sit back, relax and watch your favorite movie series. With a bucket full of popcorn of course!

– *Soak up the Sun. *Some say the best high you can get is from that big glowing ball in the sky. It’s a beautiful day so let your heightened senses enjoy it to the fullest! Lay out, listen to music, or hey, even grab lunch outdoors today and kill two birds with one stone.

– *The Beatles.* Speaking of music, listen to lots of it today! We at WebTV are privy to The Beatles but we’re also cool with Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, Hendrix and all that other good stuff from the 60′s.

– *Be Artistic*. Who says you have to be unproductive today? Really take the time to like explore yourself man and channel that creative energy to make something beautiful. Too flower childish for you? Make a sandwich, eating is totally a way to express yourself and it pretty much has some part in everything we’ve mentioned on this list so far. May we suggest a fluffernutter?

– *Have Sex. *Do we really need to elaborate further?

– *Sleep*. Take the best God Damn nap of your life and still be tired enough to have the most sound night’s sleep you’ve ever had.

There you have it. We’re pretty much listing man kind’s basic instincts which is to eat, sleep, have sex and party. We believe the list is similar to the saying of “sex, drugs and rock’n'roll” So live it up and don’t forget to commiserate Hitler’s birth. Did we mention that already? Sorry, it feels like we wrote that like eight hundred hours ago.

WARNING: *WebTvDeluxe is not responsible for any possible consequences or outcomes that occur from those reading or following this article. As always, participate responsibly.

By Brittany Berkowitz