The Baha Men show up in Winterfell asking who let the dogs out? Theon joyfully answers that he did! He’s on the hunt for Bran and Rickon because while Theon always stayed like a good boy when he was taken captive by the Starks to live at Winterfell, he is beyond pissed that the two ran off (figuratively speaking considering Bran’s condition) on him.

Ygritte makes Jon Snow blush by going on at length about his kibbles and bits. She gleefully teases virgin Jon about his bone she felt poking her from behind during the night.

Tywin sniffs out the wolfsbane on the dart that took out one of his lords while I rewound the scene a few times to enjoy the way he rumbles the word “wolfsbane”. He throws his dinner scraps to his adorable pup, Arya, and they have another oddly endearing conversation.

Sansa tries to thank The Hound for saving her but he reminds her that he actually is a dog and enjoyed chasing the rats away.

Dany is howling for her dragons back in Qarth while Ygritte gets off her leash and turns the tables on Jon Snow.

Much to the horror of men watching everywhere, Sansa gets her first period! It’s a special day so Cersei regales Sansa with tales about what it was like to give birth to a litter of inbred pups while King Robert took off to hunt with his hounds.

Collared in his pen, Jamie strikes up a conversation with his distant relative who is a total fanboy of his. Then Jamie strikes him, repeatedly, in a grotesque and ultimately failed escape attempt.

Xaro dogs eleven of the Thirteen with the help of the creepy warlock Pyat Pree and declares himself the King of Qarth in a crazy beheading bloodbath.

Robb Stark’s men voice their displeasure about Robb taking his “foreign bitch” with him. And as we all learned in elementary school, a bitch is a female dog.

Tyrion looks like a forlorn puppy when he shares the rare bonding moment with his sister as she realizes banging her brother might not have been a good idea after all if a bat-shit crazy kid like Joffrey was the result.

Everyone wants to kill Jamie yet he finds the time to smugly call Brienne ugly like a dog.

“Smells like barbecued dog hair” was the Ghostbusters quote that came to mind when Theon returned to Winterfell with roasted children he claimed were Bran and Rickon.

But while this week may have been all about the dogs, I do have to point out three of the best quotes of the night all about how lovely it is to be a woman:

“Most girls are idiots” – Arya believes her gender is the lamer sex.

“It don’t have teeth” – Ygritte about the seductive qualities of her vajayjay.

“I thought it would be less messy” – Sansa about the glories of becoming a woman.

It’s come to our attention that CW’s hit drama “The Vampire Diaries” is predominately watched by female audiences. Dudes you’re missing out! This show has it all! Vampires, Werewolves, sex, hotness and not to mention some bitingly good writing and character development. Yes we know Ian Somerhalder with fangs is god’s gift to television, but what good is his character Damon Salvatore if he’s not written well?

This year’s TVD finale, not to mention the show’s entire season, was packed with pure and total shock value. First we figure out the coffin this season’s “big bad” Klause Mikaelson was hoarding turns out to be his witch and bitch of mother. Then we learn mama Mikaelson is back to rid the world of all vampires to take back the mistake she made in creating the original demons aka her five blood thirsty children.

To top all of this off, the mysterious killings in Mystic Falls turn out to be the handy work of none other than Alaric Saltzman (Jeremy and Elana’s guardian.) Jeremy and Elana have been through so many deaths, loses and tragedies that Alaric just adds to the list. The ring he wears to cheat supernatural deaths, turns him evil… or at least the ring helps shine light on his psychopathic alter ego, a vampire hating hunter out to destroy not only vamps but all those who sympathize with them, aka every single character on this show!

Klause’s mother, Esther uses Alaric’s alter ego and transforms him into the ultimate vampire hunter… it takes a vampire to kill a vampire. That’s right, she creates an original vamp one last time to unleash him on her children and once he kills them, all vampire lines the originals created will perish. Like with every spell, there’s a catch. Esther links Alaric’s life to Elana’s that way it is ensured he won’t live forever, so once she goes, he goes. Since Elana is under constant protection by the Salvatore brothers and everyone else in Mystic Falls a fast approaching demise would seem unlikely. However, this show went there.

Where you might ask? Well, the original children were sick and tired of running from vampire hunters out with a vengeance so they decided to end Elana’s life to get rid of Alaric. We see a season one flashback of Elana Gilbert swerving in a car off of a bridge and plunging into the water. Unlike season one, Stefan Salvatore is too late to save her. The ep ends at the hospital where it is revealed that one of the doctor’s (Meredith Sulez) known for using vampire blood to cure patients has used the same remedy on Elana to save her life. Yes, the season three finale leaves the audience with the notion that Elana Gilbert is a vampire.

Will this show ever stop being amazing? We hope, scratch that, we know this show, like a good wine, gets better and better with age! I mean, after all, we knew things would pick up when the vampire’s actually stopped writing in their diaries.

By Brittany Berkowitz

5. Wonder Woman

The warrior Princess of the Amazons combines super strength, flight and a kick ass body. Any male specimen would want a ride in the invisible jet and wouldn’t mind being protected by the lasso of truth. The brunette bombshell also has a love for animals. Dog lovers, say goodbye to Cesar Milan because Wonder Woman is able to communicate with the animal kingdom. Don’t forget about her stylish all American sexy outfit packed with an indestructible pair of golden bling bracelets. Yum Yum give me some!!! Too bad her TV pilot was not picked up by the networks.

4. Harley Quinn

She’s our prescribed dose of crazy. There’s no one more maniacal than Joker’s main squeeze Harley Quinn. Underneath the jester’s clothing is a body to die for. Literally! Baby blue eyes, flowing blonde pig tails , and fantastic physical abilities… one can only baffle her behavior in bed. Let’s also not forget– she’s great with toys… um, we mean weapons. Guns, tasers, lasers, etc. Her killer laugh is a small price to pay. Her fashion choices and tremendous T and A more than make up for it.

3. Rogue and Poison Ivy

There is a lot of truth from the saying “You want what you can’t have.” And these ladies take the cake. It’s a tie at number 3 with Xmen’s own Rogue and Batman’s villain Poison Ivy. These lovely ladies possess powers that make them sexually untouchable. Sure Rogue has an accent that will turn you on faster than a mag light. But let’s not forget her stunning build, long flowing hair equipped with sexy streaks, superman-like skills and her ability to absorb other people’s power. Her only issue is, the moment you caress your finger on her soft skin, you will slowly drop dead. Hey, at least you’ll die happy. Same goes for the green goddess Poison Ivy. Her one piece suit and salacious red hair seduces, but her mind controlling ability from pheromones and toxins will make you drop dead once you slip your tongue in her mouth. Gentlemen beware, these ladies are the epitome of mental and physical pain.

2. Catwoman

How can you possibly turn down a female that licks herself and has nine lives? You can’t!!!! Selina Kyle takes the number two spot with her catlike reflexes and claws that will rip your heart out. The stunning female from Gotham city will charm you with her feline personality and then give you a roundhouse kick to the back of the head. What a way to go!

1. Mystique

The blue mutant assassin blows our minds thus taking the blue ribbon as #1 on our list. Superhuman agility, superior combat skills and a master strategist sums up a perfect ally and perhaps better half. But damn, we wish she was our lover– for all of the superficial reasons. Physically, she’s ageless (no bucks on botox) and has a healing ability. So, for the rest of your life, you’d be dating a woman in her twenties. But that’s not all! Her shapeshifting abilities can make all of your fantasies come true. Mystique can be Jessica Alba one day and Oprah the next (hey, more to love). You pick what — and who– you are in the mood for. You can even make out with yourself.

By ALvin Rueda

Theon pulls a revenge of the nerds and takes over Winterfell. Bran thinks this totally blows. Sir Rodrik says, “U suck, Theon.” Theon succumbs to peer pressure when his new Pyke BFF says Theon has to exact the iron price from Sir Rodrik for dissing him. Theon butchers the job and bends it like Beckham, kicking Rodrik’s head away.

Tywin Lannister plays schoolmaster and Arya is the teacher’s pet. Like Terry Griffith in 80s classic “Just One of the Guys” and Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man” before her, Arya gets a little more juice out of her cross-dressing hi-jinx as she tries to keep Littlefinger from recognizing her. He comes this close to connecting the dots but luckily she spills wine all over the place and is saved by the bell.

Joffrey tells Sansa she’s a dumb girl and all but sticks his tongue out at her right before the King’s Landing equivalent of a food fight breaks out. Except instead of food the people are flinging dung and ripped apart limbs. Tyrion makes like the Fonz with the best line of the night when he asks “did my hand fall from my wrist?” after bitch slapping Joffrey. Meanwhile poor Sansa stars in her own after school special as she’s almost ravaged by angry peasants in a manner that would be even worse than Fred Savage’s treatment of Candace “D.J. Tanner” Cameron in “No One Would Tell”.

Speaking of “Full House” and D.J. Tanner, Xaro sounds a lot like D.J.’s boyfriend, Nelson, as he keeps reminding Dany about how wealthy he is as a way to woo her. The Spice King shows up to give Dany a grammar and economics lesson while Dany does her best drama queen auditioning for the starring role in the school play because she’s got a dream and some dragons.

Tywin talks to Arya about Jamie’s dyslexia and they have a conversation that weirdly reminds me of the repoire between Dumbledore and Harry Potter. But that might be because Tywin’s meeting room at Harrenhal looks like a classroom in Hogwarts to me. Arya gets caught passing notes by the class dunce but before he can tattle on her Arya gets Jaquen to handle it by using another genie death wish.

Robb Stark is the most popular boy in school and struts his stuff in the campgrounds of his army. Then he takes an interest in Lady Talisa the way Freddie Prinze Jr. took an interest in Rachel Leigh Cook as the plot line of “She’s All That.” Too bad his mom catches him in the act and before he can make Talisa over into the prom queen / Queen of the North, Catelyn reminds Robb about that whole “you’re betrothed to another to make this war possible” snafu. Bummer!

Wildling Ygritte smirks with glee as she wriggles around and tries to give Jon Snow his first woody while they spoon on a freezing cold mountaintop. Jon’s not cool with it, probably because they skipped over that sex education video in the Night’s Watch training.

Wildling Osha shows up in Theon’s chamber to tempt him like Ali Larter did with her whipped cream bikini in “Varsity Blues”. Unfortunately the show chooses this time to take the rare PG-13 road when we all want to see exactly what kind of weird, savage moves Osha knows. Afterwards she slips out and goes to seduce one of Theon’s guards by telling him “I have something for you” which I took to mean she had a sexually transmitted disease to give him. I thought we were about to be treated to the “Game of Thrones” version of that “Degrassi” episode where everyone got gonorrhea from hooking up down by the ravine but turns out what she had was a knife for his throat. Bran and Rickon are able to escape from Winterfell.

Dany returns to her quarters only to feel the kind of rage the thugs from Valley must have felt when they realized Zach Morris and A.C. Slater stole their bulldog mascot before the big game. Someone stole her dragons! And left a mess worse than any teenage house party we’ve seen.

By Kara Rozansky

"What is that DJ playing?"

Many pieces were positioned in this week’s ‘ghost of harrenhal’ episode of “Game of Thrones.” In honor of the power plays being made here’s a sampling from the power hour mix tape I’ve made inspired by our favorites from Westeros and beyond:

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows by Lesley Gore because that’s pretty much how great Renly felt about his future alliance with Robb Stark and winning the war up until that newborn shadow-demon-baby-man speared him through the chest.



I’m Every Woman by Chaka Khan because from Brienne the Beauty kicking ass in Renly’s tent, to Margaery’s ambitious desires to be Queen Bee, all the way to Arya staring Tywin Lannister down, girl power was all the rage tonight!

My Prerogative by Bobby Brown because Cersei said it’s Joffrey’s prerogative to withhold sensitive information from his council and because everybody’s talking all this stuff about him and his demon monkey uncle in the streets.

Mr. Cellophane from the musical Chicago because Lancel Lannister has to feel inconsequential when Tyrion tells him “even torturing you is boring.”

Losing My Religion by R.E.M. because Davos warns Stannis about people’s perception that Melisandre, she of the smoking vagina, holds too much sway over him with her weird religious beliefs.

The Work Song from Cinderella because I like to imagine Dany’s dragons helping her get ready for Xaro’s fancy schmancy party the way the mice and birds did in the Disney classic.

Money cover by The Flying Lizards because Jorah might not like it but Dany does for a moment entertain Xaro’s smooth “let’s get married and run this shit” proposal since she needs money to buy ships to sail back to King’s Landing.

Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler because Catelyn and Brienne have a total female bonding Beaches moment when they pledge their allegiance to each other.

Dreamweaver by Gary Wright for Bran having another ominous dream starring a three-eyed raven.

It’s Raining Men by Weather Girls because Gendry shows up shirtless! This was surprisingly the most skin we got to see this week from the normally sex-crazed series so it was really only raining MAN but I’ll take it.

Pink Panther Theme Song from the old cartoon because Jaquen is super slick and stealth with the way he sneaks in and takes out the Batman villain reject, The Tickler.

And last but not least since we heard so much this week about fire being power (whether it comes from an apothecary or dragon) I’d end my mix with Disco Inferno by The Trammps – burn, baby, burn!

By Kara Rozansky

*Double entendre joke:*

“You should taste her fish pie.” – Tyrion to Varys about Shae after the explanation that he met her in Tywin Lannister’s kitchens. Bonus points to our beloved imp for making a sex joke to a eunuch!

*Oh snap! joke:*

“You’re not my whore. I’m not paying you.” – Theon Greyjoy to his latest conquest, the captain’s daughter on the ship he takes to the Iron Islands. At least he gave her a tip about how to look less frightening when she smiled!

*Aww! You’re both being hunted down because of who fathered you but you’re bonding joke:*

“All that about cocks, I should never have said it. I’ve been pissing in front of you and everything… I should be calling you M’lady.” – Robert’s bastard, Gendry, on Arya confirming she’s not only a girl but also Ned Stark’s daughter.

“Do not call me M’lady!” – Arya

“As M’lady commands.” – Gendry before Arya shoves him.

“That was unladylike.”

*Incest is something to tease your siblings about joke:*

“I don’t care what you think! You’ve never taken it seriously! You haven’t, Jamie hasn’t! It’s all fallen on me.” – Cersei

“As has Jamie repeatedly according to Stannis Baratheon.” – Tyrion wanting to end his sister’s pity party for herself by throwing rumors of her banging their other brother in her face.

*Ouch! Bittersweet burn joke:*

“You’ve always been funny but none of them will ever match the first joke, will they? You remember, back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death.” – ‘Whatever, I Do What I Want’ Cersei

“She was my mother too.” – ‘It’s Hard Out Here for an Imp’ Tyrion

“Now they’re gone, for the sake of you. There’s no bigger joke in the world than that.” – Cersei gets the last word in.

*The most awful practical joke EVER:*

Theon Greyjoy gets a ride to his father’s castle from a mysterious and enticing woman who lets him grope her the whole way there only to discover… SHE’S HIS SISTER, YARA!

“Anything with a cock is easy to fool.” – Yara, because she knew the man with the hand down her pants was her brother, Theon, even though he had no clue who she was.

By Kara Rozansky

THANK GOD “Community” is part of our Thursday night NBC line up once more! The snarky sitcom about Greendale Community College’s favorite study group will hopefully never leave our television screens ever again! (At least not
until they make it to seven seasons and a movie.)

If you’re not watching this show there’s plenty of time to catch up, we’re only in season three. There’s really no excuse not to watch Community, I mean just put it on while you wait for 30 Rock. Okay if we haven’t convinced you yet here are the top ten reasons why we’re glad Community was saved and why you should tune in too!

1. “Troy and Abed In The Morning”
Donald Glover (Troy) and Danny Pudi (Abed) own life. The pair create comedy perfection with their wonderful weirdness. From their awesome sauce handshakes to their battles over pillow and blanket forts, they are the best, best friends on TV, maybe even of all time.

2. There’s something for everyone…
What other show do you know have western themed episodes about paintball? OR features alternate universes, zombies and glee clubs all in a span of three seasons?

3. The Writing Rocks
There was a Claymation Christmas episode in Season two… yeah.

4. Joel McHale is hot
If you’re not going to watch for the witty writing or satirical snippets, you cannot deny that Joel McHale is damn sexy. Don’t like him on “The Soup”? Neither did we. Our love of Joel is his portrayal of the egotistically hilarious Jeff Winger. Oh and he takes his shirt off a few times too, we won’t tell you which episode so now you HAVE to watch the show from the beginning!

5. Chevy Chase makes a Comeback
The guy hasn’t done anything with his career in like a decade. Cut him some slack and watch him as the evil yet lovable Pierce Hawthorne.

6. Britta’s Awkward
Gillian Jacobs does an ingenious job of transforming Britta from the token hot chick to girl we love to laugh with and sometimes at. She wants to save the world but is so lost in her own little world that she “Brittas” every cause she tries to fight and does so hilariously.

7. Annie and Jeff are so shippable
The braniac and the slacker. We all know that love story but Alison Brie and Joel McHale do it so well! Allison is an amazing actress known for her work in other shows like “Mad Men.” And despite the fact that Jeff is like ten years older than her, they totally avert the brother-sister relationship and would win viewers over as the cutest couple ever!…that is if Jeff can finally get past his man-whorish ways.

8. Ken Jeong’s in it
Jeong plays Chang who is always on the outside looking in. Desperate to join the study group, he goes to extreme efforts to feel like a member of the gang. Even though he’s considered a supporting a role, Chang’s inappropriate comments and perfect comedic timing steal the show!

9. Dean Pelton makes everything funny
There’s a reason Jim Rash made it into the opening credits. The Dean started out as a side character but has worked his way into Community as a leading “man.” His obsession with Jeff and feminine gestures make him an
easy comedic target.

10. Paintball Episode
Okay so Community ended its first season with an epic paintball episode. The finale was SO good they knew they would never be able to top that ending in season two. SO they did an encore paintball themed episode. Both of them are genius and need to be watched asap!

So there ya have it. ten reasons to watch Community. If that’s not enough for you listen to Donald Glover’s rapping and then maybe you’ll think differently. Otherwise there’s no hope for you. Well why are you still reading this?! Go watch Community and enjoy!

By Brittany Berkowitz

For those of you who have no idea what the title of this post means it stands for “Oh my god Dan and Blair on Gosip Girl.” Just when we thought Gossip Girl’s writers were single handily flushing the show down the toilet they came through with one last act of saving grace…

Dan Humphrey and Blair Waldorf are the only couple that have not been done in all of Gossip Girl’s five seasons. “Dair” (Dan and Blair) shippers have been waiting for the pair to get together in hopes that they can prove to beat the odds of the show’s writers ruining all front running GG twosomes. May we remind you of Chuck selling Blair for sex to save his Empire hotel. OH and let’s not forget the wonderfulness that was Carter and Serena, he got booted in season three and it had something to do with him paying off debts in an oil mill and then lying about the whereabouts of Serena van der Wooden’s father. Hey, we’re not praising this show for its flair just for its exposition of Dair.

So the anticipation is over and the couple have been official since the show went on hiatus in March. But this past Monday Dan and Blair were back and ready to consummate the relationship. Although the CW promos showed them off to a sexually frustrated and disappointed start, the couple pushed through and conquered their sex life, just as they conquer and beat out everything else Gossip Girl has to offer. And for those of you Chuck and Blair shippers still alive out there, I think we can all agree that Dair elevator sex topples Chair (Chuck and Blair) limo sex any day! Let’s just pray that GG writers don’t screw this couple up and just keep them screwing each other.

That’s all for now xoxo Gossip Brittany