Dane Cook UNDERCOOKED

By Haskell Jules

Dane is everywhere. Here’s the big– yet quite simple– question. How can someone with no jokes be so successful as a comedian? Although he has comedy CD/DVDs that trump pop stars on the billboard charts, this man is NO master of comedy. The best thing he ever did was play Waffle Man in Mystery Men.

Apparently, plagiarism is his forte. On a comedy message board, Louis C.K. fans reported that Cook was stealing C.K’.s jokes. Louis C.K. agrees and said, “Okay the kid is stealing from me. And making lots of money. Three bits on one c.d.” Hollywood’s sweetheart, Dane “my own brother steals from me” Cook is a joke thief, but WHAT material is he stealing? Louis C.K. finishes his reply to fans with ” I am not going to court over a bit called ‘itchy asshole’”. Yes sports fans. Dane Cook steals a bit called “itchy asshole”! No disrespect to Louis C.K., but plenty aimed at Cook.

Flashback ’06. Go North to Yuk-Yuks in Canada. Peter Kelamis
was scheduled to headline a show there. Dane performs before Kelamis and goes way past his allowed time. They tried to wrap him up by flashing lights and playing music. Cook flips out. After going way over 20 minutes he screamed obscenities, slammed his mic down, and stomped off stage like the overrated creep he is.

Kelamis’s reply, “Most arrogant thing I’ve ever seen in my life”. It baffles me, and I think the average person. How can someone who is so predictable, who primarily uses physical comedy lacking any depth be so EVERYWHERE right now? It’s clear as vodka. Dane Jeffery Cook or as I like to refer to him, Dane “my own brother steals from me” Cook is simply an energetic savvy self promoter. He is a master of promotion rather than a master of the comedic stage like Steve Martin and Richard Pryor. And he somehow sells out as many stadiums (if not more) than they did in their hay days. He has to be making a ton of dough if his brother somehow embezzled over a million in an 18 month period. If his own brother is robbing him then it must be in the genes. Joke thieves. Money thieves. He just plain sucks.

Just ask Joe Rogan, current UFC color commentator and former Fear Factor host, how he feels about the Cook-ster. The list of people accusing him of stealing is longer than the lines for free cheese during the Depression. AND THAT’S NO JOKE! Joe Rogan claims Cook stole material from him after they had a gig in the same night club. Rogan’s material later showed up in Cook’s Tourgasm circuit run. Call up Keith and the Girl and see if the “F*ck Dane Cook” motto isn’t an in-house slogan.

Overrated? Over hyped? Think about this. If you take the money Cook has made, and divide it up amongst the comedians he stole from, then he would have the income of a less-than-average comic.

Again, I have to give credit to the thief’s marketing skills. Internet fueled the rise of the 34 year old joke-boy. He was the first comedian to reach 1.5 million friends on MySpace. Personal websites were unheard of when he created danecook.com. At least he got a good laugh for that. But this jerk proved them all wrong.

He is an innovator. In 2005, he shot 2 pilot episodes for a sitcom starring himself called “Cooked”. It failed. Why? His Myspace madness had not spread to the brains of our children yet. Old fashioned skills were still a factor.

Thank GOD! Comedians everywhere would have hired Clown-masked hit-man for sure.vIt would have been sad to see his face splattered against a Hollywood set on Entertainment Tonight.

So for all of you that enjoyed Employee of the Month, Good Luck Chuck, or his most recent attempt at movie destruction, My Best Friend’s Girl- please take heed. Please remove the brainwashing device. Dane Cook is actually a puppet by alien nazis searching for control of our planet. Whenever you see the Boston native twitch, jump or shriek, understand it’s a brain control device from space.

BEWARE. He could use such technology on you. You didn’t think he achieved success on his own merit? One day the device will overload much like Dane Cook’s career. Then we will see the true genius behind it all was a small, green, bald Nazi with a bad mustache. An alien creep. For some reason it seems not as special now. Bland. It all seems somewhat, UNCOOKED.

H.JULES-